Tales Of Supermarket Woe

Ah the supermarket. Invented by Hitler, perfected by Gadaffi.

A truely awful place, it is full of screaming children and angry women. Another problem is you may run into someone you know. Like Sally for example, yep the same Sally from the street. She seems even more keen to stop and talk to me then ever before in this horrible place. Seriously Sally I don't care how Steven is I truely don't! Especialy not while I am in this hellhole.

Another horrible invention made by those terrible people at your local supermarket. Is the self checkout, this lowers the human contact even further from the usually grunts from the cashier. The self checkout has only caused me distress and more distress.
__________
I go to the self checkout with eleven items.
The lady minding the self check out: Im sorry sir you have too many items.
Me: Well come on one of those is only a packet of chewing gum.
Lady: Don't get snappy with me.
Me: I wasn't I am just trying to but some overpriced goods!
Lady: You are wasting everyones time.
Me: Well you are the one who started it by stopping me halfway through in the first place...

...and then the mace comes out. Oh by the way those 11 items cost 35.64, and I didn't even buy any fancy shampoo. But I did however use my value card which means I got about .03 cent back! At this rate I will be able to get a full shop for free in 6000 years!

Trying to find that food was a fun sadistic treasure hunt. The staff seem to swap the foods places every other day and when I do ask where something is the squeaky voiced acne faced teen is just as clueless as me.
Me: Excuse me where are the cheerio's?
Squeaky voiced acne faced teen: I 'unno
Me: Oh wait, I see them, they are in fact right behind your fat useless ass.
Squeaky blah: Oh yeah.
Another gripe I have with the staff, the cashier who 'beeps' my food has to take it easy. I mean they are eggs please don't bash them. My spaggetti looks like 'sprinkles' after you have gone through with them.

My biggest gripe of all is little children. Doe's little Gregory (3 years old, 20 pounds) HAVE to push the 600 pound trolley? Does he have to keep hitting the back of my leg? Do you have to follow my same exact shopping route as me? I don't lose my cool very often (only a few times a shopping trip), but little Gregory provoked me. What I dont get is that I push a shelf full of guns and dildos onto a small screaming child and IM the asshole!? Seriously?

And then the slightly larger then average security guard with small Asian countrys for fists, Big Phil (who incedently does water aerobics with my mum on a tuesday), feels the need to throw me out and rough me up? Whatever Phil I will see you again next week.

Anyway, thanks goodbye!

Why Do We Talk To Our Dogs Part: 2

In my last post I feel I didn't give dogs enough credit, I mean they do at least understand SOME English. My dog understands chicken, walk and anything that has to do with her eating or going outside. Well walk is actually WALKIES! in a high pitched voice while gesticulating wildly with my arms and my eyes opening wider then a blonde using an ATM for the first time (I mean like where the money come from!?). Whereas chicken is more of an excited loud whisper sped up for emphasis. So basically dogs understand anything if you say it excitingly. Try it yourself, go over to a dog and say, "Oh my god a fire!" in an excited voice and her ears/tail will hoot up in the air, and she will look out the window, because as far as she is concerned the window is the worlds source for all joy, happiness and excitement.

I suppose that is where cat's and dogs differ. You say to a dog "Oh my god there is A DOUBLE rainbow outside!!" It in turn reply in an equally excited voice say "Oh My GODD! where!?" She will then thank you for this vital information and actively search for that rainbow. Whereas say this to Mr. Mittens over there and it'll say "So? you think I care? I don't think you realise that I am a cat. If I had thumbs I would be able to do some chemistry! So you can take your rainbow and shove it" Your cat will then will walk away muttering to itself wondering how it got stuck with Dave and Rover. Mean while the dog is still looking for that double rainbow.

Despite her over 'excitedness' I still love my dog she's great, I mean she often sneaks up the stairs during the night and throws up in my bed. And if a bird is in my back garden she will howl and wail until I let her out, then when I finally give in and I let her out the bird fly's away and in the space of two minutes she has managed to get muddier then a child with a new pair of white shoes. But other then that she is a valued member of my family!

My dog will do anything when I think about, she can roll over, play dead, sit, stay and give the paw. Well she will do anything for food anyway! Asking my dog for the paw without a small nugget of food is like asking a cow to do algebra. It just isn't going to happen. She looks at me like I have 2 heads. If she could talk she would say "Eh you think im lifting my paw for you? Stupid human give me some food and then we'll talk. In fact I can't even look at you." Or something along those lines.

Don't worry dog you will wish you had given me the paw when I dress you up in my homemade Jar Jar Binx costume for my entertainment!

Anyway, time to wrap this up. Thanks again for reading this. Don't be afraid to comment thanks!

Walking Down The Street

Walking down the street, it's a dangerous endeavour as I am sure you are aware of. Whether you are dodging the polka dot chewing gum paths, the crazy man screaming about how the government has let him down (even though he dropped out of school at  9 years old) or tip toeing over and around the seeminly endless stream of dog mess. Now we are expected to do all these tasks AND notice that your friend's mother Sally is waving out of her 2001 Ford Windstar at you!? Its an impossible task, and since you havent waved back at Sally she thinks you and her precious son Steven are after having a row! Now, i'm sorry Sally, but seriously me and Steven are cool! We really are! We were playing lacrosse together yesterday remember? We embraced at the end of the match? I think you can understand right? But do you know what is worse then not waving at Sally though?

Its walking on the sidewalk and seeing somebody you know walking towards but being in two minds whether to say hello or to pretend to text somebody (aka looking at your calender). This person gets ever closer with each step and your sweaty palm slowly goes inside your pocket just itching to press that 'shortcut to calender button'. You kind of know this person,. I mean they aren't your best friend or anything but you think they are a nice person, you definetly know their name and you know they know yours, but yet sometimes I feel its best to just cross the road and avoid an awkward moment. But I promise I will say hi next time!

Finally I would like to know what you are out of these categorys, they are a bit specific however:
I for one am the last option.
1) Sally: Lookout world! I feel like carmelized sunshine and I am making eye contact with everybody, nobody can dodge my friendly compliments they are like ninja death kisses. Be careful I have got a bug and the only cure is a great big hug!
2) Butch: You want trouble? Coz' you got it! I am a shoulder bashing, scar havin', scary guy. And I am throwing shapes like a drunk dad at a wedding who has just been informed YMCA has come on. Although I do like to travel in groups because I am a bit of a coward!
3) Mindin' My Own Business: Walking down the street staring at my feet, I don't want any troublenas I am only like 5'6 after all, I just wanna get to the fruit and vegetable shop, gets some overpriced peaches and then burn my peach pie.

Anyway enough of that now, sorry about the late blog if you have been following me. But thanks for the support and if you could leave a comment or a reaction that would seriously make my day. Thanks for reading it means a lot! Cya Soon!

Airports And The People In Them

Airports, you either love them, or hate them. I only fly about twice a year if that. But I have noticed a couple of humurous things that happen. Like waiting in line for a flight for example. As soon as one bright spark decides its time to get up, the whole place gets into line. One guy is all it takes to get the crowd in line and i'm left sitting here because im not standing up when the flight isn't for another hour!

There are many different types of people in the airport. Sometimes spotting them all is like going to the zoo. I suppose the below beasts would be the extreme cases but they do excist! See if you can spot yourself in any of them.

The Rusher. The Rusher can't seem to get out of the place quick enough. He is usually the first in line waiting for the plane to leave and the first to get his bag and get off the plane when it lands, or gets near the country. You can tell its a Rusher because it is usually a man and it is usually wearing shorts. As soon as a tiny bit of the planes rubber scraps the landing strip he stands up. He gets his bag and runs to the door. Hitting people with his bag on the way out. Some Rushers aren't far off trying to pry the door of the plane open with their cold dead hands. They usually sit near the front so they can make a swifty escape.

The Businessman. The Businessman, is well, all business. He rarely talks or makes eye contact. He is usually spotted with a leather bound suitcase, a blue tooth ear thing, a shirt and tie and a look of self importance. The businessman is a frequent flyer and knows the drill. He usually closes his eyes on flights. There isn't much to say about this mysterious beast. As he trys to avoid human contact at all times. He is almost like a white rhino with a laptop.

The Loud Family. These people usually travel in packs of four or more. There is the dominate male, you can tell he is the dominate one by his fat stomach, bushy moustache and red face. He is often seen leading the way and makes all the big calls for the pack such as, which way the gate is, or whether there is enough time to stop for a burger king. Next in line is the alpha female. You can tell she is the dominate female because, she can be heard before she is seen screaming at her children, often seen with a stiff drink and orange skin. If you look closely you can see a hint of regret in her eyes about going on the holiday. You often see her looking over at boarding gates and thinking about making a runner and starting a new life. Next are the offspring. You can tell they are the offspring because they are usually bickering between eachother, the howls of non stop whinging can be heard from them, even though they are going to Disneyland.

The Annoying *****. This person doesn't like to follow the rules. They usually try to use electronics on the plane, no doubt to check their myspace and begrudginly turn them off in the interest of  "safety" after being asked 5 times by the air hostess. They can often be seen chatting very loudly into her phone about the most  inane subjects and chewing gum. They wear shorts everywhere even if they are arriving back into a cold country and love to get tanned. And they ALWAYS have sunglasses, even in the rain.

Then I suppose there is the normals, who just want to get out alive. Im sorry if you don't fit into any of these categorys i'm sure that is upsetting for you.

Anyway thanks again, goodbye

Why Do We Talk To Our Dogs?

Bewildered Dog

Why do we talk to Rover? Why? Do we expect a reply? Im not talking about say “whos a good doggy moggy woggy boooy!” No more like “You ok? Would you like to go outside?” “Look at the tv Rover theres a monkey!” Also I have come to the conclusion that dogs do not understand the concept of pointing. I would point at the antelope on the tv and my dog would look out the window!

Anyway I am not putting anybody down if they do, lets be honest, we all do it! Its not like the traditional view of “crazy lonely cat woman” either I and many others I know actively have full on conversations with their dogs when other humans who are capable of a reply are there! The modern dog has become like another child to family, a sibling to some and even in some cases a nephew or niece!

We also indulge our dogs more then ourselves. My dog gets a haircut that is several times more expensive then mine. And the fact that my dog owns clothes when she has her own perfect coat already just doesnt make sense. And the food! She eats free range turkey breast soaked in lavender sauce and topped off with gold leaf mousse, and I eat 3 double downs at the back of KFC! Thats as nice as I get these days with all my money going towards my dogs festive hats!

Do I resent my dog? Yes, yes I do, she lounges around all day scratching her head and barking, and yet she lives a life better then most humans including myself ever could dream of, but we still love our precious muts no matter what.

Anyway got to go, my dog has a manicure in an hour. Thanks good bye!